12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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