i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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