I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
