I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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