the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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