Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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