I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
