On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
