Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
