gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Hippo gnu deer
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
