I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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