So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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