I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
