mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
