My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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