yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
