she looked like the bat from fern gully.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
