i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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