the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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