wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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