Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
My bed smells like the plague
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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