I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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