You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
