You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
