yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
