the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize