hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
