'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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