I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
