Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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