Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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