We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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