I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
