trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
