just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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