I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
