It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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