I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
