your thong is hanging out like whoa
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
