Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
