I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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