3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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