Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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