i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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