I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I DEMAND FORESKIN
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
