dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
