I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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