Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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