I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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