found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
