Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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