so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize