did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
So many bounce houses so little time
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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