i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Randomize
