I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
