eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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