Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
