ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
