The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
