oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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