you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
