I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
