Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
